China is now home to nearly 35 million more men than women. The effects are everywhere: marriage registrations dropped over 20 percent in 2023 alone, and the birth rate is in steep decline. These trends are already worrying economists. In China, marriage is tightly tied to childbirth, and without enough families forming, the long-term consequences could be severe.
The roots of this crisis go back decades. The one-child policy, enforced from 1980 to 2016, collided with a strong cultural preference for sons. The result? A generation where millions of boys were born at the expense of girls—many of whom were aborted, abandoned or placed in state care.
Now, those boys are men, often in their 30s and 40s, facing a dating pool that has shrunk dramatically. These so-called “leftover men” are often from poor, rural families, where the expectations are high but the opportunities are limited.
“Most of them are working class – they’re the least likely to find wives”
That’s how Hao, one of China’s most prominent dating coaches, describes his clients. With over 3,000 men under his belt, he’s seen the frustration up close.
Hao runs intense dating boot camps. His approach is a mix of makeovers, confidence-building and social media strategy. He believes image matters, and he’s determined to help his students—some earning less than 600 dollars a month—put their best face forward.
His weeklong camps are featured in The Dating Game, a documentary by Emmy-winning filmmaker Violet Du Feng. The film follows three men—Li (24), Wu (27) and Zhou (36)—as they take part in Hao’s training in Chongqing.
Hao helps them dress better, walk with purpose, and talk to women with more ease. But there’s a line he sometimes crosses, especially when constructing their online dating profiles. Zhou pushes back.
“I feel guilty deceiving others,” he says in the film, clearly uncomfortable with being presented as someone he’s not.
“They grew up without access to girls”
Filmmaker Du Feng doesn’t just focus on dating. Her film digs into what it means to be a man in modern China. She tells Variety, “This generation of young men are being punished again and again and again at the cost of the country’s development... They grew up without proper parenting. They grew up without access to girls.”
The emotional cost is real. Many were raised by grandparents while parents worked in distant cities. Now adults, they are entering a dating world dominated by rising costs, rising expectations and declining chances.
Sociologist Dr Zheng Mu from the National University of Singapore puts it bluntly, “In China, marriage or the ability, financially and socially, to get married as the primary breadwinner, is still largely expected from men.”
“As a result, the difficulty of being considered marriageable can be a social stigma, indicating they’re not capable and deserving of the role, which leads to great pressures and mental strains.”
The hidden cost of dating
Zhou, one of Hao’s students, spells out the maths.
“I only make $600 (£440) a month,” he says.
“A date costs about $300.”
Between the price of dinner, clothes and matchmakers, many are simply priced out. Others feel stuck in a system where success is measured not by connection, but by financial status.
“In the end our fate is determined by society,” Zhou says.
For some, even the army looks more appealing. The film includes scenes of military recruiters visiting villages, promoting enlistment as a path to upward mobility. For poor men, joining the armed forces is one of the few ways to gain social value and, maybe, a partner.
“Virtual men are different – they’re just perfect”
It’s not just men who are turning away from traditional dating. Many women are too.
Over 10 million Chinese women now engage in online dating games. In The Dating Game, we meet some of them. One woman explains her choice, “Real-life dating costs time, money, emotional energy – it’s so exhausting.”
“Virtual men are different – they have great temperaments, they’re just perfect.”
Dr Mu sees this shift as a response to a society under strain.
“Virtual boyfriends, who can behave better aligned with women’s expected ideals, may be a way for them to fulfil their romantic imaginations,” she told the BBC.
The emotional gap between real relationships and online simulations is widening. And it’s not just about romance—it’s about stability, identity and feeling seen.
The international marriage debate
With the local marriage market collapsing, some are now looking beyond China’s borders.
Ding Changfa, associate professor at Xiamen University, has called for encouraging international marriages.
“In rural China, we have approximately 34.9 million ‘leftover men’ who might face the marriage pressures of providing housing, cars, and bride price totalling between 500,000 and 600,000 yuan,” he told South China Morning Post.
“Solving this issue could involve attracting a significant number of eligible young women from overseas.”
Ding suggested countries like Vietnam, Cambodia, Russia and Pakistan. But the idea sparked backlash online. Many critics likened it to human trafficking. Others warned of cultural clashes, language barriers and lack of consent.
Still, international matchmaking content is rising on Douyin, China’s version of TikTok. Influencers like Jingongzi, with over 1.8 million followers, are promoting brides from Southeast Asia.
“Vietnam still celebrates the Lunar New Year,” Jingongzi said in the SCMP report.
“Women from South-East Asia don’t experience significant cultural shock when they come to China. Moreover, the local income in these countries is very low.”
“It’s an epidemic of loneliness”
In the end, The Dating Game isn’t just about dating. It’s about being human in a system that often forgets that part.
Du Feng told the BBC, “Dating is just a device for us to talk about this. But I am really worried. My film is about how we live in this epidemic of loneliness, with all of us trying to find connections with each other.”
She doesn't ignore the humour either. From awkward introductions in shopping malls to deodorant pep talks before street flirting, there are moments that feel painfully real and oddly touching.
“It’s about the warmth as they find each other, knowing that it’s a collective crisis that they’re all facing, and how they still find hope,” she says.
The message, in the end, is simple.
As Hao puts it in the final scene, “Once you like yourself, it’s easier to get girls to like you.”
The roots of this crisis go back decades. The one-child policy, enforced from 1980 to 2016, collided with a strong cultural preference for sons. The result? A generation where millions of boys were born at the expense of girls—many of whom were aborted, abandoned or placed in state care.
Now, those boys are men, often in their 30s and 40s, facing a dating pool that has shrunk dramatically. These so-called “leftover men” are often from poor, rural families, where the expectations are high but the opportunities are limited.
“Most of them are working class – they’re the least likely to find wives”
That’s how Hao, one of China’s most prominent dating coaches, describes his clients. With over 3,000 men under his belt, he’s seen the frustration up close.
Hao runs intense dating boot camps. His approach is a mix of makeovers, confidence-building and social media strategy. He believes image matters, and he’s determined to help his students—some earning less than 600 dollars a month—put their best face forward.
His weeklong camps are featured in The Dating Game, a documentary by Emmy-winning filmmaker Violet Du Feng. The film follows three men—Li (24), Wu (27) and Zhou (36)—as they take part in Hao’s training in Chongqing.
Hao helps them dress better, walk with purpose, and talk to women with more ease. But there’s a line he sometimes crosses, especially when constructing their online dating profiles. Zhou pushes back.
“I feel guilty deceiving others,” he says in the film, clearly uncomfortable with being presented as someone he’s not.
“They grew up without access to girls”
Filmmaker Du Feng doesn’t just focus on dating. Her film digs into what it means to be a man in modern China. She tells Variety, “This generation of young men are being punished again and again and again at the cost of the country’s development... They grew up without proper parenting. They grew up without access to girls.”
The emotional cost is real. Many were raised by grandparents while parents worked in distant cities. Now adults, they are entering a dating world dominated by rising costs, rising expectations and declining chances.
Sociologist Dr Zheng Mu from the National University of Singapore puts it bluntly, “In China, marriage or the ability, financially and socially, to get married as the primary breadwinner, is still largely expected from men.”
“As a result, the difficulty of being considered marriageable can be a social stigma, indicating they’re not capable and deserving of the role, which leads to great pressures and mental strains.”
The hidden cost of dating
Zhou, one of Hao’s students, spells out the maths.
“I only make $600 (£440) a month,” he says.
“A date costs about $300.”
Between the price of dinner, clothes and matchmakers, many are simply priced out. Others feel stuck in a system where success is measured not by connection, but by financial status.
“In the end our fate is determined by society,” Zhou says.
For some, even the army looks more appealing. The film includes scenes of military recruiters visiting villages, promoting enlistment as a path to upward mobility. For poor men, joining the armed forces is one of the few ways to gain social value and, maybe, a partner.
“Virtual men are different – they’re just perfect”
It’s not just men who are turning away from traditional dating. Many women are too.
Over 10 million Chinese women now engage in online dating games. In The Dating Game, we meet some of them. One woman explains her choice, “Real-life dating costs time, money, emotional energy – it’s so exhausting.”
“Virtual men are different – they have great temperaments, they’re just perfect.”
Dr Mu sees this shift as a response to a society under strain.
“Virtual boyfriends, who can behave better aligned with women’s expected ideals, may be a way for them to fulfil their romantic imaginations,” she told the BBC.
The emotional gap between real relationships and online simulations is widening. And it’s not just about romance—it’s about stability, identity and feeling seen.
The international marriage debate
With the local marriage market collapsing, some are now looking beyond China’s borders.
Ding Changfa, associate professor at Xiamen University, has called for encouraging international marriages.
“In rural China, we have approximately 34.9 million ‘leftover men’ who might face the marriage pressures of providing housing, cars, and bride price totalling between 500,000 and 600,000 yuan,” he told South China Morning Post.
“Solving this issue could involve attracting a significant number of eligible young women from overseas.”
Ding suggested countries like Vietnam, Cambodia, Russia and Pakistan. But the idea sparked backlash online. Many critics likened it to human trafficking. Others warned of cultural clashes, language barriers and lack of consent.
Still, international matchmaking content is rising on Douyin, China’s version of TikTok. Influencers like Jingongzi, with over 1.8 million followers, are promoting brides from Southeast Asia.
“Vietnam still celebrates the Lunar New Year,” Jingongzi said in the SCMP report.
“Women from South-East Asia don’t experience significant cultural shock when they come to China. Moreover, the local income in these countries is very low.”
“It’s an epidemic of loneliness”
In the end, The Dating Game isn’t just about dating. It’s about being human in a system that often forgets that part.
Du Feng told the BBC, “Dating is just a device for us to talk about this. But I am really worried. My film is about how we live in this epidemic of loneliness, with all of us trying to find connections with each other.”
She doesn't ignore the humour either. From awkward introductions in shopping malls to deodorant pep talks before street flirting, there are moments that feel painfully real and oddly touching.
“It’s about the warmth as they find each other, knowing that it’s a collective crisis that they’re all facing, and how they still find hope,” she says.
The message, in the end, is simple.
As Hao puts it in the final scene, “Once you like yourself, it’s easier to get girls to like you.”
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