'My true crime husband killed himself and left terrifying note for the world'

The widow of a documentary maker who for driving him to is sharing her deeply moving story to fulfil her husband’s final wishes.

Cradling their baby in her arms, as she mark the first anniversary of John Balson’s death next month, Yumeno Niimara’s face fills with sadness at the thought their daughter will never meet her dad.

Yumeno, 37, was six months pregnant when the body of t TV producer John, 40, was found by the coastguard. He had been suffering from extreme vestibular migraines, which cause , balance issues and dizziness.

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At his inquest in February, Roger Hatch, senior coroner for North West Kent, said John had flagged to medical professionals that he was suffering with in the weeks before his death, telling the court: “I sadly conclude his death was due to suicide.”

Now Yumeno, who also has a three-year-old daughter with John, is ready to share the despairing letter that he left on his computer.

It read: “It feels like I was hexed at my happiest moment. I have been a fool not to take more breaks in all of this and relax. What a waste. I genuinely cared about trying to get justice... I should have worked less. Please make this letter public.”

She says: “I didn’t think this could happen to us, but it did, and it can happen to anyone else, too. I hope by sharing John’s story, it might help make sure that someone else doesn’t experience a tragedy like this too.”

Yet the broken man who penned this heartbreaking letter was poles apart from the doting husband and adoring father, who had loved spending weekends taking his daughter swimming and cooking – and was, only a few months earlier, excited to become a dad again.

Nicknamed “Mr True Crime” by pals, because of his prolific ­portfolio of work as a TV producer, working on true crime documentaries, just before falling ill, John was working on a new series of In the

The true crime series was hosted by famed criminologist Professor David Wilson and Silent Witness actor But his job, according to his widow, meant he was also immersed in a of murder, spending up to 16 hours a day poring through documents relating to horrific killings, and sickening cases of paedophilia, as he made documentaries for the likes of and .

Now his family, who are based in Romford, North East London, say he was a victim of the

Determined to make a difference, John worked ­tirelessly to help bereaved families share their stories, but blamed the stress of dealing with crime scenes and shocking testimonies for triggering his condition.

Discovering there was no cure, as the pain – and his despair – intensified, he took his own life. And on May 17, 2024, he was spotted driving between Essex and Kent, and stopping on a bridge. He then took his own life.

Yumeno, who worked in tech, before becoming a full-time mum, says: “John was such a generous and loving man. He had an ability to connect with everyone he met.

“He cared so passionately about his work, about helping to get justice for bereaved families and to expose criminals, but ultimately, that led to his own death.

“A year ago, I was unimaginably happy, I had a loving husband, daughter, and another baby on the way. Our lives were going to be made complete.

“But it all came crashing down around me. I had to tell my daughter that her adored daddy was dead, and instead of having a loving husband by my side in a labour ward, I gave birth with just a photo of her daddy looking on.

“I still dream that John is alive, and when the baby wakes up in the night, I stir and think for a minute that he is still there. Then I remember that he’s not, and the grief hits me all over again.”

The couple met in 2018, when they were working in New York - Yumeno for a non-profit organisation and John as a journalist. In 2020, they moved back to Yumeno’s hometown of Tokyo,in Japan, and married – delivering their eldest daughter on their first wedding anniversary.

“John was beyond excited to be a dad,” Yumeno smiles. “He doted on our daughter.” In 2022, they moved back to the UK to live in Romford with John’s parents. At 2023, Yumeno discovered she was expecting again.

“I wrapped up the test and gave it to John as a Christmas present,” she smiles. “He was just over the moon.”

But, John’s work was starting to intrude on his happiness. He worked on programmes about a father who murdered his step-daughter, another where a husband set fire to his wife, one on a boy dismembered by the Mafia – each story was more disturbing than the last.

“John was a great journalist,” Yumeno says, “But he kept his work private.

“I can’t even watch horror movies and I get very nervous reading true crime stories, so John very rarely talked to me about what he was doing at work.

“I know he spent hours with , and was determined to crack unsolved murder cases. He went out trying to talk to witnesses and, once, the police warned him he was dealing with some dangerous people.

“He had to look at lots of photos o and read police reports. When people watch these true crime shows, photos are blurred out or some graphic ones aren’t shown, but John was looking at them unfiltered, day in, day out.

“There was a huge surge in demand for true crime programmes, as they became more and more popular, and that just meant John worked harder and harder.”

In March last year, he started experiencing dizziness and painful migraines, which became ­increasingly frequent. Sometimes his headaches would confine him to bed for days at a time. John told his family he believed the condition was triggered by work stress, and feared he would never be cured.

He wrote in his diary: “I let in the darkness with my obsession with I really wish I’d taken it easier on myself… why couldn’t I have focused on more uplifting stories?”

Struggling to sleep, he went to bed early on May 16 last year, while Yumeno slept on the sofa to avoid disturbing him. When he hadn’t stirred by 7.30am the next morning, she went into their bedroom.

“The bed was so neatly made, and on it was a piece of paper with a password for his computer and his wedding ring,” Yumeno recalls. “The car was gone. I hoped and prayed he had gone out for a drive, but I knew something was horribly wrong.”

Calling him frantically to no avail, later a police officer came to the door and told her John’s body had been discovered. “I was screaming and screaming,” Yumeno sobs. “This couldn’t be real, John couldn’t be gone.

“I was holding my bump and I remember just staring at the ceiling, screaming and crying.” Somehow she found the strength to tell their daughter her daddy was dead.

“I said Daddy was very sick, and he had died,” she said. “It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She talks a lot about John, and tells us that she misses him. She talks about us going on holiday to France last summer. John made sandcastles on the beach and she would knock them down and run away, waiting for him to build another one. It was the happiest time of my life.

“My heart breaks that she will never do that with him again. She looks so much like him that some days it’s hard not to look at her and burst into tears. But I have to keep strong for her.”

And when Yumeno went into labour, three months after John died, she made sure his photo was by her side. “Most people are screaming at their husbands when they give birth,” she says. “But I would have given anything for mine to be there.

“It’s so hard doing this without John, and sometimes the sadness feels overwhelming. But I try to remember how much we laughed when he was alive.

“John dedicated his life to sharing people’s stories – now, the last one he can tell is his own, and I’m determined to help him do that.”

John’s friends set up a fundraiser for his two daughters, which has raised almost £100,000. To donate, visit: www.gofundme.com/f/yfxcx-in-loving-memory-of-john