What were people honestly expecting from a butt-lift in a public toilet?

Weirdest story of the week award goes to the warning handed out to people having so-called butt lifts in public toilets. Evidently, untrained cowboys offer the procedure, along with fat jabs and Botox, in loos as they cannot afford suitable locations. Sorry, but what on earth would you expect if you went for such dodgy practices?

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This column has long campaigned against the disgustingly costly white elephant that is HS2, but if any of you were in any doubt, surely the events of last week proved we're on the right 'track'.

With official costs now estimated at £57 billion as opposed to the £20 billion first published and other estimates putting it closer to £100 billion, and delivery now pushed back by up to a decade, what more do you need to hear that this has gone off the rails?

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The fact a hobbling asylum seeker using a crutch has managed to "evade" the various police agencies on the beach and board a dinghy to cross the Channel illustrates perfectly just how disinterested and gormless those Gendarmes are.